I am so scared and worried.
All this stress its putting me through can't be good for the baby.
I try so hard to do the right thing.
Nothing I ever do is good enough.
I know what happened and I know I'm telling the truth.
I take these things very seriously.
I only say what I was told.
Justin told me the day that he did ring me that he was going to come down in a few mths to see me.
I forgot to mention it.
It would be wonderful to see him...It really would.
When he was down here we went to the PCYC to pick up the kids after having some time out.
He walked up to the counter while I was signing the kids out and introduced himself to one of the police officers.
She looked up at him with a half giggle and smiled.
IT was funny to watch and cute.
I wanted to laugh.

I miss him so much...
I wish I could just hold him and cuddle him.
That everything was OK.
Instead I feel so alone and hurt.
I want to cry and cry and cry.

My first ex use to cheat on me all the time.
He use to hurt me and threaten to kill me too though.
Not like Justin at all.
When I was pregnant with Sam it put me through so much hell.
The lies he told to cover his ass.
The trying relentlessly to get back with me and then sleeping with his girlfriend Joy.
It put me into Premature labor.
Samuel was born breach and was suppose to be born dead.
They said the pressure on his bones would crush him to death.
He somehow lived.
Was in Special care nursery for a few weeks.
He use to have apnoea attacks all the time and didn't start crying until he was 8mths old.
The first time he cried with sound was the first day he had tears.
He still has trouble to this day and is mentally disabled.

I'm scared that the stress I'm being put through will cause the same thing again.
The rights of the unborn child in AU means that if this was to occur then there is a potential for the law to be used.

I wonder if I should've told Justin at all.
If I didn't tell him I wouldn't be so stressed with worry.
But then I have the child's rights t think about.
And I do love Justin too.
I believe a father has the right to know and to play a part in a child's life.
I would never tell a person that they are the father if they are not.
That is so wrong.
I believe in justice, the truth and doing the right thing.
I believe sooner or later the truth comes out.
And that there is a lesson to learn in everything.
Just sometimes it doesn't show its self right away.
I don't make a point of lying, I figure if a speak the truth enough, sooner or later some-one is going to realise and the tide will turn.
I have believed in this theory for a very long time (you can thank my brothers for that, I use to take the blame for them all the time and get punished for it).

Like all mothers, I want Justin to be a part of his child's life.

That maybe we can hopefully be together as a real family.

I hope for the kids not to have to go to foster care because of this.

That is exactly where they are going to end up when I have to go to hospital as I have no-one else.

Justin was and is the only person I have to turn to.

We don't have a special care nursery here we only have a very small hospital for our city. If I go into premature labour the consequences will be devastating.

He told me when he was here that he has a cousin in the AFP (AU Police Force). Apparently she's been doing that kind of work for years. I have dealings with these guys...Long story. I keep in contact with them from time to time. I like to keep a paper trail and that they know where I am along with the police dept.It's the only problem with being a witness without protection.