I am so scared and worried.
All this stress its putting me through can't be good for the baby.
I try so hard to do the right thing.
Nothing I ever do is good enough.
I know what happened and I know I'm telling the truth.
I take these things very seriously.
I only say what I was told.
Justin told me the day that he did ring me that he was going to come down in a few mths to see me.
I forgot to mention it.
It would be wonderful to see him...It really would.
When he was down here we went to the PCYC to pick up the kids after having some time out.
He walked up to the counter while I was signing the kids out and introduced himself to one of the police officers.
She looked up at him with a half giggle and smiled.
IT was funny to watch and cute.
I wanted to laugh.

I miss him so much...
I wish I could just hold him and cuddle him.
That everything was OK.
Instead I feel so alone and hurt.
I want to cry and cry and cry.

My first ex use to cheat on me all the time.
He use to hurt me and threaten to kill me too though.
Not like Justin at all.
When I was pregnant with Sam it put me through so much hell.
The lies he told to cover his ass.
The trying relentlessly to get back with me and then sleeping with his girlfriend Joy.
It put me into Premature labor.
Samuel was born breach and was suppose to be born dead.
They said the pressure on his bones would crush him to death.
He somehow lived.
Was in Special care nursery for a few weeks.
He use to have apnoea attacks all the time and didn't start crying until he was 8mths old.
The first time he cried with sound was the first day he had tears.
He still has trouble to this day and is mentally disabled.

I'm scared that the stress I'm being put through will cause the same thing again.
The rights of the unborn child in AU means that if this was to occur then there is a potential for the law to be used.

I wonder if I should've told Justin at all.
If I didn't tell him I wouldn't be so stressed with worry.
But then I have the child's rights t think about.
And I do love Justin too.
I believe a father has the right to know and to play a part in a child's life.
I would never tell a person that they are the father if they are not.
That is so wrong.
I believe in justice, the truth and doing the right thing.
I believe sooner or later the truth comes out.
And that there is a lesson to learn in everything.
Just sometimes it doesn't show its self right away.
I don't make a point of lying, I figure if a speak the truth enough, sooner or later some-one is going to realise and the tide will turn.
I have believed in this theory for a very long time (you can thank my brothers for that, I use to take the blame for them all the time and get punished for it).

Like all mothers, I want Justin to be a part of his child's life.

That maybe we can hopefully be together as a real family.

I hope for the kids not to have to go to foster care because of this.

That is exactly where they are going to end up when I have to go to hospital as I have no-one else.

Justin was and is the only person I have to turn to.

We don't have a special care nursery here we only have a very small hospital for our city. If I go into premature labour the consequences will be devastating.

He told me when he was here that he has a cousin in the AFP (AU Police Force). Apparently she's been doing that kind of work for years. I have dealings with these guys...Long story. I keep in contact with them from time to time. I like to keep a paper trail and that they know where I am along with the police dept.It's the only problem with being a witness without protection.

Change

I met this great guy on the Internet a few mths back.
His name is Justin Daniels and is from Townsville.
We have spoken before last year then we lost contact.
For a few mths we spoke to each other both on the net and on the phone.
He hadn't been out with any-one for two years.
His last girl friend had lived with him and had two kids with ADHD.
He loves kids and wanted a long term relationship with me, so I agreed.
He was great to talk to.
The kids absolutely adored him.
He can't come to see us to often as we both live over 723km away from each other and have to work.
This makes it hard for me.
We had an agreement to talk to each other as much as possible on the IM as it is free and at least once a week by phone to help keep in contact with our relationship.
The last time I saw him was on the 29th of Febuary, He had finally been able to get time off work to come and visit.
He stayed with us for the whole weekend and went back on the Monday.
He said he wanted to come back down again and see me.
and he spoke to me a few times after he got home.
Then he said his phone was broken and couldn't ring from it but could still receive text.
He talked to me a few times after that and said that he wanted to move to Rocky and get a job to be near me.
he said he would call in two days. I waited patiently but he didn't call so I waited a little longer as sometimes things come up, and still nothing.
So I text him asked him what was going on... for four days I heard nothing back.
This is strange as his usually no more than an 1hr over on replying if his busy. Thinking the phone was giving him more trouble I tried IM and the other ph no but they didn't get a reply either.
Two weeks still nothing....
Almost three week since he left and two weeks of not hearing from him I did a pregnancy test as I was just under two weeks over due.
Hey guess what...I'm having Justin's baby.
Still not having heard from him I send him a text just after finding out.
Guess what.. the Phone that wasn't working sends back messages quiet fine.
Mind you it did take him two days and a tonne of un-needed stress to find this out!
I missed talking to him so much.
He said that his going to see what he can do, and that he needs to think.
But he wanted to talk to me and wanted to ring me tonight.
Once again as per usual his done the opposite.
I did manage to get some quick sms he says his going to ring me tommorrow, apparently he got called into work all night (refigeration).
Let us hope and prey that all goes well.
I'm very scared at the moment and I don't need this.
He told me that he was going to support the baby money wise, but so does child support.
I don't see any diference there.
It's not about money for me.
It's about the baby having time with him.
But not taken away from us.
About me and where I stand.
I love him I just don't know how to say it.
I feel like I've been abandoned.
I have no family and no next of kin.
I'm going to see a cardiologist in may to see what is happening with the irregular heart beat the picked up on two occasions before.
I'm pro life and love kids.
I'm putting my life on the line here, a little help wouldn't go astray.
I hope the cardio visit goes well and that it was just a scare.
I'm due in mid October.
I hope he starts to do the right thing.
Not just for my sake but for his child's and for the other Five kids (Two with disabilities) will have to go to foster care.
He goes around claiming to be this great guy and appears and an angel.
Great with kids...
But where is he when we need him the most?
Or is it just an act to use single parents?
I'm going to continue to write hear as to the progress of the pregnancy, my fears and what the hell he's up to.

Here is a poem I wrote to him...

I met an angel in real life you know.
Within me, life he helped to sow.
A special Lil life, to treasure and help to grow.
I love this little angel.
With him I'd like to go, but take it nice and slow.
So to that angel,
Thank you for your gift,
With love and a little kiss.

Bella (c) 2008

Is my perfect angel just a dream?
He showed me to be everything I've ever wanted.
I miss you Justin.

What I would like in life

What would I like in life?

That is a good question.

There is so many things that a person wants and would like, to have to be able to gain and do.

I don't believe in being selfish, so it's not a question I ask to often.

But if I could this is what I would like:

To be loved and respected for who I am

Some-one that I can show love and respect back to(Apart from the kids who I do this for already).

For them to show the love and respect to the kids as they deserve

To be excepted for who I am.

For that person to be good and not hurt woman or children

Some-one who believes in large and extended families

Some-one that is open minded and multiculteral

Who is willing to foster or adopt

To be able to help people and make the lives of kids less fortunate better

Hopefully get to own a nice house or acreage where we can have animals and fruit trees as well as veges (somewhere the kids disabilities don't upset the neighbours because the are too close, any-one who has had a child with autism or ADHD will tell you they can get quiet noisy, more so when not medicated).

A big van... about 12?

To be able to learn a language, if not more than one!

To learn the sax, guitar, violin and piano ( then I will teach the kids too)

Are the children allowed to learn the drums? (hehehe)

To be the best person I can be

To own a business, if not two( later on)

To help the kids to be the best that they can be